I'm so happy that though the HO Forum will be closing I still get to write and finish up this story of mine and I'm even more happy to read your fics here as well!

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PART 1

I'm tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah It's really getting old,
and I think I need a little help this time...

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time
I'm gonna try anything
That just feels better

-Santana– “Just Feel Better”


-Manchester Airport-

It will be better you know, once you try to let go...

That was the last thing Carmel said before she waved goodbye. She still had to pinch herself to realize she wasn't in some kind of dream. She looked out from the small oval shaped window and wondered how everything came to be. How everything came down to her sitting on a plane and going some place far away from all the damage she created and all the consequences which came after. From her window she witnessed the men below stowing luggage of different colours from the back of the plane and she wondered still, what would happen if she decided to get out, asked for her luggage back and just go back to the life she was used to, where everyone hated her and where she lost all their trust. Was it worth it? Wasn't it braver to stay put? Wasn't it better to face the facts?

“By doing this, aren't I just running away?” she asked Carmel.

“You've already faced the consequences. You can't do any more than that. You just need to realize you're worth so much more,” Carmel said, smiling.

“What does that mean?” she asked, confused, while looking at the plane ticket the blond had given her.

“It means just that,” Carmel answered. “Will you go?”

“You don't have to do this you know...”

“It's already done. I can't get a refund and you can't ever tell Mercy or Jac or else they'll kill me.”

“Why?”

“Let's just say, they also contributed to your holiday.”

“Carmel...”

“I can't get a refund,” Carmel stated in a more serious manner. “Besides, it will be better you know, once you try to let go.”

That was it... it took only those few words for all the memories to flood her brain, making her decision much easier.

She never realized it could hurt so much until it happened to her. She can certainly write about it through poetry and short stories but it hurt so much more when it's scratched, punched and abandoned inside one's own stupid little heart. Nothing in the world can heal a broken heart. That's the most pathetic thing about it all. All the money in the world was worthless because it was never going to repair such a delicate thing.

“It's not worth it,” continued Carmel. “I should know, I should be a professional.”

She knew Carmel was trying to get a smile out of her but it wasn't working. She was grateful however for Carmel's words. One day, she told herself, she'll realize she is worth more than to be forgotten and thrown away, after everything. She knew it wasn't meant to be that way but she felt like that, like some rubbish that was just blowing in the wind, never landing in any particular place, circling around and never wanted.

“Here, I reckoned I was going to be sat by a fat bloke.” An unfamiliar voice shook her out of her thoughts and she felt a rush of air when the owner of the voice plopped down next to her. When she turned her gaze away from the window, she was face to face with a boy with a dimpled smile and a mass of curly dark blond hair. “Glad you're not a fat bloke,” he said, continuing again with a joke she didn't find funny.

She looked at him oddly, gave a small smile to acknowledge him and said, “I'm glad I'm not a fat bloke either,” then turned her attention back to the window where the men had closed the hatch to the luggage compartment. She took a deep breath and let out it quietly. This was it, she thought. In the deepest recesses of her mind she imagined that he'd be on the plane, begging her to come back, that the past was the past, that he still cared and lo... she shook her head. It was over. She needed to start over. It was why she was in a plane in the first place. She needed to feel normal again...

“So where's your final destination?” The boy who sat beside her asked.

She sighed. She wanted to have a quiet flight to think about things, to maybe feel sorry for herself just one last time... but it wasn't meant to be.

“California,” she answered. “San Diego.”

“You reckon it's a coincidence that they sat me next to you then?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because that's where I'm headed.” He replied. “Have you been before?”

She looked at him and wanted to say something hurtful so he wouldn't have to keep chatting up with her all through the flight, but before any of her seething words came out, he smiled again and not only did those dimples appear from both sides of his cheeks but that he had a small one appear right below his left eye too and before she knew it... the words that came out of her mouth wasn't what she expected.

“I've never even been out of the UK,” she said, looking away.

“It's a beautiful city,” he told her.

“Really...” she said still not looking at him as the seat belt light turned on.

“Really,” he replied. “But out of all the places in the world... what made you decide to go to San Diego?”

“I didn't. If it was my choice I'd be on a plane headed for Transylvania or something more interesting... It's just that my sister in law decided I needed to get away and she bought me a one way ticket for America and asked me to find what I've lost. She told me not to come back until...” she paused, she wondered why she was telling this stranger some story he wouldn't even care for. “She told me not to come back until I'm happy.” She told herself to stop talking, she knew that if she continued even more, he'd expect her to tell him some elaborate story about whys and hows about feeling happy but he didn't need to know any more than what she told him already.

“Happy as in your heart? Or happy as in content?”

“Isn't that the same thing?”

“Not really...”

“Then both, I guess.”

“I hope when you come back she'd get what she asked out of you.”

She didn't reply.

“Name's Wilber by the way. Wil.” He extended his hand out for her to shake.

“Wilber...” she repeated. She had to smile a bit. Whenever she thought of that particular name, she always thought about....

“I know, I know.. the pig from Charlotte's Web,” he answered for her. “I know you were thinking it.”

It was only right of course, to tell him her name and when she did, the name felt oddly strange on her lips. No one had really officially asked for her name before since that time during... that first time she actually heard him speak...

“So Lolo, Are you ready to leave merry old England for a bit?” Wil asked, as the plane was getting ready for the runway.

Lolo? She thought. Smiley, Loz, Little Bit... she was used to. This Lolo was a new one. She was going to tell him she hated it when people gave her nicknames but what was the point? It always stuck.

“Yes,” she answered, holding on to the armrest when the plane started to take off leaving Manchester... England... UK (forever?). Well, for as long as it took for her to be happy again, anyway. She was ready to go where no one knew her, where no one judged her and where she can try to find some kind of peace and worth and all that stuff Sasha had said and Carmel happily described. She needed to feel better....

-----

This fic inspired by the song "The Ballad of Michael Valentine" by The Killers. - That song is about this person who follows Michael Valentine all over the country by car, train, bus etc... because the person is somewhat in awe of him but Valentine just roams around like a celebrity and doesn't notice the person. There's more to it of course and this story won't be like that really. I was going to title this something else like, “Lauren's road trip from hell and back” or something but “ballad” sounds much better as Lauren goes from place to place trying to find some sense in her life. Lauren needs a story too, doesn't she?

PART 2

And I saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies,
to stay away from me

-Fall Out Boy – “Golden”


-Chester-

“Was that as you say, your darkest hour then?” The psychiatrist asked her.

She stayed quiet for a few minutes watching Malcolm Harrington MD write something down on his notebook. She sat with her arms crossed on a leather sofa, wondering how much her mum was paying him to keep talking to her like this, like he cared one bit about what she was going through. She was expecting her mum to send her a plane ticket to Spain or to come back at least to shout at her for doing such horrible things or to just appear for the sake of it. But none of that fantasy ever happened after everything finally came into the open. Instead, she was stuck talking to another stranger who wanted her to open up.

“How much is my mum paying you?” she asked. “I mean, I can just leave and you can pretend that I'm all fine and dandy, can't you?”

“I can but I won't.” He said, not even surprised by her words. “You know if I can make this any easier on you, I would.”

“It'll be easier on me if I just leave.”

“You can do that but I don't think it'll be easier on you.”

“You don't know me.”

“I know that you're scared. I know that you think you don't deserve anything good. I know that all you want is for someone to say everything will be all right. Simple really. That's what everyone wants but you want it more so. You want it to be more dramatic like some dark Gothic story but not everything is as you want it to be, as you know.”

She didn't reply. What everyone wants? Dramatic? She wasn't some simple remedy. It wasn't simple at all but she stayed sat on the sofa instead of running out the door. It was the first time Malcolm Harrington MD had told her honestly what he thought of her, even if she didn't like what he said. She respected him for that.

“After what I did to Anita everything that happened after was my darkest of all hours,” she said dramatically without trying to be. “I was insecure about everything. I didn't have enough confidence. I just didn't want anyone to leave me.”

“Do you still think about that day now that it's all over?”

“It will never be over. I've lost everyone's trust. People still look at me like I'm the enemy.”

That was the truth. After she said that, she stayed quiet for the entire session, watching the psychiatrist writing more stuff on the notebook in handwriting she couldn't make out when he turned the page. She wondered what was going on in his mind. If he really thought of her as mental like her mum obviously did or some normal teenage girl.

“You still think about him don't you? There's still some pent up hurt?” He asked, handing her a prescription of a medication he wrote out quickly, when she didn't answer. “It's something to help.” She stuffed the prescription in the back pocket of her jeans not bothering to read it. “It will take about two weeks for it to fully work.”

“Do you think I'm mental?” She asked, not realizing she said it out loud until he actually answered.

“I don't think that at all Miss Valentine. Not all people stay away because they think you're the enemy. You have to stop thinking that way. I just think you need to get out. Go somewhere, a holiday, a show, go to the country... It's good to loosen up... It's...”

Before he could go on, a knock on the door made him stop. His assistant came in to announce that her brother was waiting for her. She got up without turning back. After many weeks of sessions with Malcolm Harrington MD, this was the first she told the whole truth and because she did, he gave her medication. That meant something didn't it? Maybe she was such an open book he saw everything
that was wrong as soon as she opened her mouth.

“I'll see you next week then,” said the doctor.

She opened the door of his office, not turning back. “I'm not that simple,” she said, before she left.

“I know that, Miss Valentine...” Was he going to say something else? She didn't want to know. Calvin was already waiting for her.

“How did it go today,” asked Calvin, draping his arm around her shoulder.

When they stepped out of the clinic, the autumn air felt good on her skin. She felt oddly refreshed after telling the doctor things she wasn't planning on talking about. How strange was that... Was she beginning to realize it was harder to bottle things up?

“He doesn't think I'm mental.”

“No one thinks that.”

“He wrote me up a prescription for some tablets.”

“We can go to the pharmacy,” her brother said, playfully ruffling up her hair.

“Before we do that, is it all right if we just stay in town for a bit? The park or Chester Castle or...”

“The what?” Her brother seemed so surprised by her suggestion he stopped walking. She never suggested anything before. She always maintained her miserable personality whenever they had to visit the clinic and always wanted to head back home straight away.

“Just anywhere Calvin.. It's a nice day out isn't it?”

PART 3

My pain and all the trouble caused
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope
Buried beneath it all, and
Hiding beneath it all, and
Growing beneath it all, and...

-Paramore – “Let The Flames Begin”

-Chicago, Illinois USA-

The plane arrived late afternoon during one of the coldest winters of Chicago's history. The pilot apologized profusely about the flight delays. All air traffic was halted until ice was cleared from the run ways and the bitter snow storm mixed with hail and sleet stopped falling from the grey sky. She had never actually seen so much snow in her entire life before or had never seen anything so overwhelming and massive as the O'Hare airport. When she found her gate for her continuing flight to San Diego she sat down on the floor as there weren't any available seat, watching people falling asleep from their chairs and listening to the announcements of the next flight delays.

She wondered how many miles she travelled so far. She wondered how long she'd stay in an unfamiliar place until she'd forgiven herself and for letting her heart feel again. It's been more than a year it seemed but the hurt and the regrets were still strong that sometimes all she thought about was that.

A few months ago after the tablets the psychiatrist had given her took its effect, she was looking at herself in the mirror and for once she didn't hate what she saw. She tried though. She stared at her reflection for so long, Sasha was knocking from outside wondering what was going on. She was trying so hard to wish her image away and wishing she was invisible or wishing other things. Usually she would see jealousy, insecurity, loneliness and desperation in her eyes and her mouth and her ears and ...
She understood why other people except her family stayed away but because of the tablets... it was just her again. The tablets helped. She didn't like to think it did. Tablets always reminded her of what happened to him and what she did to make her feel like him. Still, it's quiet different. She and him were nothing alike any more. It made her see that the Smiley, Loz, Little Bit... all those names for her was still staring back at her in the mirror, she was starting to really see herself.

“There you are. I was just getting some crisps and by the time I looked back you were gone,” Wilber sat beside her on the floor, setting down his rucksack in front of him.

“Did you miss me that much already?” She asked, trying to sound funny.

“I actually did.” He said, nodding, like he was thinking about it. “Anyway, let's say you and me get out of here for a bit.”

“What?”

“Didn't you hear the announcements? Flights have been delayed. The next flight to California is tomorrow afternoon if the weather permits. We have a whole day to waste.”
“And you want us to go out there?” She asked, pointing to the window where the snow storm was still going strong.

“It's better than staying here all day.”

“But...”

“But what? Are you scared of a little snow storm?”

“I wouldn't exactly call that little...” She said, pointing to the window again. Was he joking? It almost looked like everything outside could freeze anything in a few seconds.

“Come on,” Wilber got up and gave her his hand to help her up. “I know a good place to sit around for a bit. There's so many places to see here. Didn't you say your sister in law wanted you to see some of the country?”

“Yeah but...”

“Is that your favourite word, Lolo? There are places to go and things to see. There's no room for buts...”

She found herself following him, this boy she met on the plane who seemed so completely free of worry. She wondered if her old self would have followed him, if her old self would have given this boy a chance of even talking to her but she shouldn't be thinking that way any more. She was so many miles away from home and she was going to start to be everything she wanted to change about herself. It was a new chapter of the book of Valentine, wasn't it?

After going through immigration, they were outside the airport where she felt her body freezing immediately. She buttoned up her black coat and tied her scarf around her face. The falling snow had already attached itself to her hair and her coat.

“This way,” Wilber said going to the taxi line. “I want to show you something before we go anywhere else.”

The heat of the taxi was comforting. The snow from her clothes was quickly melting away. The yellow taxi drove through traffic, through gigantic office buildings and statues and museums and shopping centres. “I take my hat off to you kids braving this weather. It's amazing isn't it?” The taxi driver was speaking with them and smiling from the rear view mirror. “Hopefully it'll die down tomorrow. I couldn't even open my car this morning. The door handles were frozen. Can you believe that?”

“I believe it,” she replied. “I think even my hair froze when I was out there.”

The taxi driver laughed at her comment before he dropped them off at the Sears Tower. “This was the first place my parents took me to the first time I visited America,” Wilber said, standing next to her. She looked up to see that most of the skyscraper disappeared in the clouds and snow. “Unlike today though, it was a much clearer day and from the top you can see most of the city. I remember asking them if the cars below were toys.”

“What do you do Wil? Just travel around, pulling people in planes, never staying in one place?” she asked. When they went inside the place was full of people trying to warm up and take pictures. The elevator to take you to the 103rd floor was closed because of the weather but if you wanted to, it could still take you up to the 99th floor.

“You can say that,” her companion said. “I usually don't pull people in planes but like I said, you weren't a fat bloke so...” He smiled at her. “Anyway... I've been travelling since my parents died two years ago. It started from there really.”

“I'm sorry...”

He shrugged. “You didn't know them so you don't need to be sorry,” he shook his head trying to shake off the memory. “Anyway, my thinking is, why stay in one place to think of the past when you can go from place to place and just live in the moment? That's my philosophy.” Wilber paid the entry fee for both of them and headed for the elevators.

“What about work?” She asked.

“Work? I work all the time. You don't recognize me?” He smiled but he didn't go on with an explanation. Somehow her brain decided to tell her not pursue with the rather cryptic answer he gave her. He pressed the 99th floor button of the elevator and before she knew it, the elevator doors opened to the bright observatory and people looking through the high powered binoculars. “On a windy afternoon like this, you can actually feel the building sway. That's brilliant isn't it?”

“Is it safe then? We're not going to die are we?”

Wilber laughed. “Live in the moment, Lolo... Of course we're not going to die.”

Though she could not see the people walking by and the cars that drove past the building below because of the low visibility, she saw the other skyscrapers that surrounded the tower and most of the city. She saw people walking around inside offices through windows of buildings and for an instant, she did feel the tower sway in the way of the wind. She was also lucky enough to see the sun setting from far in the horizon. That too was another thing she had never actually witnessed before. It was amazing she thought. It was amazing how many things you see when you really open your eyes and not think about anything but the present.

The snow eventually stopped during the night when most of the city was noisy from traffic and people heading for home. They walked a few blocks passing pubs and restaurants when Wilber stopped in front of a small club painted black and lit up with only red Christmas lights. “Let's go in here,” he said. Wilber had wrapped his scarf around to cover most of his head and had zipped his coat all the way to the top.

“I'm not old enough to get in there,” she said, “maybe we should just get back to the airport.”

“Live in the moment, remember?” he said, grabbing her hand. They walked in without any problems. She wondered why this was so because everyone else who lined up to enter the club was asked for ID. She was not the type to ask questions. She was not the type to care about what other people were doing other than the ones she really cared about but this time around, asking questions was necessary.

“What's going on?” she asked when Wil had told her to sit down on a stool which faced the stage.

“Stay here for a bit, yeah? I have to do something,” he smiled that mysterious smile again and disappeared behind the stage.

While she waited she rummaged through her bag to look for her mobile. Maybe it was best to call her family and tell them what was happening but they had managed to call her first. There were already six messages waiting for her. She listened to them all... One from her dad, Calvin, Sasha, Carmel, and Danny but then the sixth one... she was expecting it to be her mum, but it was from someone she least expected.

Lauren, it's me. Please, don't delete this message. I want to talk to you in person. I want to explain everything. What you said the other day made me realize a lot of things I didn't understand before. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for both of us. Will you meet me in front of MOBS tomorrow? If not then I'm just going to come around later but I want a chance to talk to you. Lauren, I...

The message had cut off after that. She wondered what he else he wanted to say but it didn't matter now did it? She put her mobile away after listening to his message. She wasn't expecting him to call because after all she finally said her peace and he got what he wanted. There was nothing more to their relationship any more.

“Something wrong?” Wilber asked.

She didn't realize he was beside her until he placed a hand on her shoulder. He slid a glass full of Coke in front of her, waiting for her answer. He had a guitar strapped to his back and some people had come around to say hi to him.

“What?” she asked.

“You looked worried after listening to your messages.”

“Not at all,” she answered. “It was just... my sister asked if I'm already basking in the California sun.”

“Did you tell her you're basking in the cold Chicago winter for now?”

She shook her head. “Not yet.” She eyed him carefully. “What's going on? Why do you have a guitar and why...”

But he cut her off. “You asked about my job earlier, so I figured, since you're here, I'll show you instead.”

Before she knew it, the person she met on the plane had gone on stage with a welcoming applause. “I didn't really expect to be here tonight but since the snowstorm brought me here and since my friend Lolo over there wanted to know what I did, I figured I'd show her. Although I don't think she likes me calling her Lolo but she needs to get used to it. Thank you for coming around to see me at the last minute.”

When he sang she realized who this Wilber was. She heard him on the radio before, on a station which catered to independent music and unsigned musicians. She had to smile watching him on stage. He had a soulful voice, deep and laid back. She was lost in the moment. Maybe Wilber was right about living in the present for now. She tried not to think about that message he left on her mobile. She could not for the life of her think about him any more. She had already cried too many times and wasted too many tears but when she looked at her mobile one last time, a text she had forgotten to open from him came into view.

Where are you?

She didn't reply. Where was she? Did he really want to know? She was some place far away and she was starting to get happy. Maybe not truly happy yet but she was trying.

PART 4

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me?

-The Clash – “Train in Vain”


-Hollyoaks-

The tablets she held in her hand looked like regular aspirin. Small, white, oval shaped. They looked innocent enough. It could have been anything. The psychiatrist said it will take two weeks for her to feel any real changes. In the mean time, she never slept and if she did it came in two or three hour spurts. She didn't eat. She tried to go out and that helped most of the time but then by the time she got home she'd find herself in her room doing nothing but cover herself with her duvet.

She was glad she decided on a different college. She decided it was better that way. They were still there of course. Sometimes they chatted when they saw each other in the village. Sometimes they even hung out at MOBS but it wasn't the same. Nothing was. College was rather easy since she saw them less and it didn't hurt so much. She grew up, she'd like to think, but now that she really was alone without any true friends it was harder to cope.

Once many months ago, she remembered telling him that she wasn't as smart as he was. That she wasn't as smart or as pretty as Anita was so she compensated by trying to be tough and trying to find ways to seek attention. She never saw herself as being good enough for anything and because of this she wanted everything her way. At least by being demanding and selfish and manipulative and preying on others' weaknesses at least she felt, she had the better end of the deal. She hated herself because of this.

It wasn't so bad before but everyone kept leaving, everyone kept lying, everyone kept saying one thing but they never meant it and soon she just hardened herself and never looked back until she met him and because of him some of her defences came tumbling down. She made herself care and love and she even smiled more but that too ended in disarray.

“I'm worthless aren't I?” She asked Malcolm Harrington MD. “You can tell me the truth. There's nothing good about me.”

“If you really think that way then you may as well be but you know perfectly well that you aren't.”

“You would say that.”

“If there's nothing good about you why are you still here? Shouldn't you be six feet under by now?”

“Maybe I'm just too pathetic to go all the way.”

“No. You're too strong. You're too stubborn. You would never do it.”

“Those are empty words...”

“Are they?”

She stayed quiet for some time, crossing her arms and watching him write more notes. “I wish... I just wish I can be better...”

“You're already a better person for admitting that,” answered Malcolm Harrington MD. He waited for her to say something and when she didn't, he smiled sympathetically. “More empty words?”

“I don't know any more.”

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“I have five more minutes with you. I have to know what you think.” She said.

“Fair enough,” the psychiatrist said. “You are a very smart person Miss Valentine. You have to start believing in yourself. Everything is all in the past and you have to stop bringing it back. You need to believe in others and stop doubting them. You said a while back that you were insecure and you don't have enough confidence and in order to fix that you need to loosen up and just confront your feelings. Do you know what I mean by that?”

She closed her eyes. She imagined what would have happened if she had enough of everything but there was always something to stop her from imagining that. Malcolm Harrington MD had diagnosed her of having bipolar disorder. A manic depressive. Who would have thought? Sometimes she had to laugh at that. How cliché all of it was. In a way she was glad that at least she knew there was a reason behind all the crying and the sleepless nights and the anxiety and the moods swings. But she also knew that it was all her fault that everything became what it is and she wanted it to stop.

As the weeks and months went by she did feel a change. Maybe it was just her new mindset and how her family looked out for when no one else did. Before her darkest hour, she didn't really think of her family as some kind of support for her problems. After all, this family her mum managed to dump her into were still strangers to her. She didn't know them long enough to trust them with even simple things but no matter how many times she got them riled up and how many times she got in trouble they never once told her they regretted the day Valerie left her with them. She was glad that whenever she turned around someone familiar was always there.

So that day, when she looked in the mirror and saw someone she didn't hate any more, she decided to do what she always wanted to do but never found the words before. She fixed her hair, made herself presentable, put on a white jumper and some clean jeans she found folded in her wardrobe and headed for the front door.

“Where are you off to?” asked Sasha, taking her eyes away from the TV.

“Just out,” she answered.

“Do you need company?”

She shook her head. “No. Just walking around. I won't be long.” Her sister looked at her with an smile on her face. “Why are you looking at me like that for?”

“You look rather nice in white,” Sasha said.

“All my other clothes are dirty,” she answered.

“As you say....”

She gave Sasha a small smile and opened the front door. “I'll be back soon,” she said. “I still need to pack.”

“Are you ready for tomorrow? I'm a little bit jealous that you get to get away from this boring place for awhile.”

“I'm more than ready,” she replied.

“Are you going to say goodbye to him?”

“No. I think we've already said our goodbyes a long time ago.”

She was afraid that when she sent him a text to meet her by the jetty he wouldn't show and she would leave without getting to say what she finally wanted to say to him. It was only right. She needed to free herself. Her doubts however disappeared when she saw him standing by the railing waiting, wearing his usual dark clothes underneath his black leather jacket.

“Have you been waiting long? I'm sorry I'm late.”

“Not that long,” he replied, putting his mobile away with an amused look on his face.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It's nothing. It was just Theresa asking if me and Anita can come around because she wanted us to meet some cousin of hers.”

“More McQueens for you to meet?”

“She must have texted you too about this cousin of hers she can't stop talking about. She said he's going to be famous or something.”

She shook her head. “Did you need to go? We can just talk later...” She stuffed her hands in her pockets, looking dejected. It's so strange to talk to him like an acquaintance. If someone was to pass them by, they would never think that she and him were best friends once.

“No... Theresa can wait. What did you want to talk about?”

“I'll keep it short but please don't say anything all right?” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was another big step for her. Malcolm Harrington MD should be proud. “There's this thing about me. It's my biggest flaw. I can't seem to trust people or have enough confidence in them and in myself. It was why when we were together I kept asking if you really meant it when you said you loved me because everyone who'd said that before left me. I was really happy. Not many people can love someone like me. You said we'd get through everything together remember? And I really believed that. I really lived for that. For better or for worse I'd always be there because I loved you more than anyone.”

When she looked at him, she knew he was about to say something but she knew it would only make it worse if he opened his mouth. It was hard enough to stop herself from keeping her tears from freeing itself from behind her eyes and if he said something... anything... she knew it would lead to her thinking back about the day he broke up with her and she didn't want that.

“Don't say anything please...” she said, looking away. “I know it's my fault that you and I are like this now but the thing is, I've always thought that we can always pull through. Through the good and the bad, right? I've always believed you meant what you said that it'll always just be the two of us getting through the good and the bad but I realized that only I can do that. That only I can pull myself through the things I put myself in. It's really hard though to think that way. I kept asking myself back then if you really meant what you said. If you really did love me. If you really thought we were one entity separated by physics, if we really knew what each other was thinking. It was really hard for me to see you with Anita so soon after you broke up with me. It hurt to see you holding her hand and having a laugh with her and kissing her. I got so angry and I got jealous and I became this person who hated herself. After everything, my flaws got to me. And I was left alone again. I blame myself. I loved you too much and I was too immature. I didn't have enough confidence in your feelings for me. I was always insecure.

I guess after all this time I've finally realized that it just wasn't meant to be. That you didn't feel the same way any more as I've always felt for you. Like you said. We were better as friends but I don't think that's true. I'm glad to have loved you. I'm glad you let me love you and care for you and even though I completely ruined it, I'm glad to know that someone like me was loved once by someone like you.” She took another deep breath and smiled at him for the first time. “Carmel told me once that one day I'll find someone who'll take me for all my flaws and who'll always be there for even the worst of all possible things. I'm confident now that what she was saying is true....” She touched his arm. “That's all I wanted to say. It wasn't so bad listening to me, eh?”

“Lauren, what you're saying...” he began.

“I've got to get back. I have to finish up with something at home and Theresa's expecting you.” Without thinking she kissed him lightly on the cheek. It was so quick she wondered if her lips even touched his skin. “I'll see you.... later...”

She stepped back and turned the other way, heading for her flat. She closed her eyes and she felt her face getting wet. It was over. That was it. She was proud of herself.

PART 5

Is it salvation?
Or an escape from discontent?
Will she find her name
In the California cement?

-Green Day – “Westbound Sign”

-San Diego, California-

It still felt strange to her how one part of the country was winter and cold and freezing and people bundling to cover every inch of skin while in another part of the country just a few hours away from plane, the sun shined all day, palm trees took the place of bare leafless trees and where it was only right to take walks on the beach at least once a week. It was the complete opposite of everything she experienced days before and to her, looking out through the endless Pacific Ocean during the early morning was one of the most beautiful things she had ever done.

The hostel she was staying in was in the middle of town. She shared a room with several other students her age who decided to leave school for a bit and take off. She didn't really ask any of them any questions. Just a few words here and there of where they were from and what they were going to do in America. Maybe they were trying to the get away like she did so she decided she'd rather just wait until someone asked a question. She wasn't like them anyway. Wherever she went, she stood out. She still wore her hair the same way, did her make up the same way and wore the clothes she was comfortable with. She wandered alone most of the time, walking up and down the district full of different restaurants and pubs. She could certainly never be hungry. She wondered how long the money she had saved up would last.

She always had this thing with him when they were still friends. They always wanted to run away together but it never came to be and here she was doing just that. Free of rules and parents and stupid memories. She never thought she'd be doing it alone but she didn't mind at all. She really was free and it was good to think that way, even if the tablets she had stuffed inside her bag was still there to remind her that she wasn't really free from all the thoughts of the past just yet.

One afternoon, she sat herself inside a Japanese restaurant and while in the middle of trying to stuff a piece of beef teriyaki in her mouth, a familiar face came to ask if the seat in front of her was taken.

“How did you know I was here?” she asked surprised, looking at her plane companion who now sat across from her.

He shrugged. “Let's see, I was walking around and it wasn't hard to find you with all your hair.”

She tried not to show it but she was glad she saw him again. So far, he felt like the only person who bothered to even to talk to her, not that she really cared if anyone did but she just wasn't the type to do it first unless it was needed. She thought she would never see him again when they parted ways outside San Diego Airport.

“I wished we had more time, Lolo” he said then, his mop of hair falling in his eyes because of the cool breeze. “It was nice chatting with someone who needed to smile.”

“Smile?” she asked. “What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing,” he answered, seeming like he really didn't want to leave. “So, where are you staying at anyway?”

“A hostel in the Gas Light District,” she said, not really knowing what 'gas light district' meant but from the itinerary Sasha had set up for her it said specifically that was where it was located.

“Right, it's the historic part of town. Loads of things to do, shops, restaurants, clubs and the beach is minutes away. I'm sure you'll like it.”

That was it. That was the good bye and part of her wanted to say how much she liked his company but she was still not the kind of person to open up.

“How did you find me, really...” she asked curiously.

“I was in the neighbourhood. I asked for you at the hostel and a girl said you were heading this way.”

“So you looked through every window...”

“No. I'm not a stalker,” he said smiling. “It was just... for some reason, I looked here and I guess I got lucky.”

She felt awkward after he said that. How can she reply after that?

“Anyway,” he continued, while digging though his rucksack. “I've got something for you...” He took out a chocolate bar covered in black foil with a red ribbon wrapped around it. “I'm a day late for Valentine's Day. I tried to look for you yesterday but something happened and I wasn't able to...”

“But you didn't even have to,” she said, interrupting him. “It's not even a proper holiday.”

“It's just that I figured, a Valentine needs a Valentine.” He smiled again.

“But I didn't even get you anything...”

He put his hand up to stop her from talking. “You didn't know you'd see me again, right? It's all right,” he paused for a brief second, put a hand on his heart and took a deep breath. “I'm just happy to see you. I have a gig later on tonight if you don't mind coming to see me. It's in a little club called The Fish, down by the beach... In this island actually. You can see Mexico just outside the club's patio.”

She put her fork down and took a sip from her glass of water. She liked the way he talked. She can only wish to be so laid back but she limited herself with too much thinking, maybe too much apathy, which was the complete opposite of what she believed in for so long. Being emotional seemed useless since most everything in her life was empty. Aside from the occasional passing well wishes, she received no phone calls, no text messages... but there was no one to blame but her. She had already straightened that out with Malcolm Harrington MD. It will all be fine though. Sooner or later. That was her thinking and for the longest time, all she wanted was someone to talk to that wasn't part of her family. For the longest time all she wanted was a friend. She had forgotten how it felt like to have one and maybe now, maybe someone up there in the clear blue sky somewhere, even though she didn't believe in that kind of thing, finally decided she didn't need to wait any longer.

Maybe it was part of the punishment she put herself in – this whole dramatic part of her, that no one deserved to be friends with someone like her. She hated phony people, she hated people who try to be one thing but is another thing all together, she hated when people lied and it was ironic that for the all the things she hated, she was the same way. This too she learned sitting on that leather couch watching the psychiatrist analyse her silently.

She read an article once about how it was a good thing to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes good things happen. It will make you see another side of yourself. She tried to prove it wrong once when she gave him her diary to read so he'd really know how she felt about him. She would never have done that but something good did happen after that. This thought occurred to her when she was in her room changing. Wilber was waiting for her in the lobby of the hostel and instead of her usual dark clothing, she decided to wear a yellow t-shirt and dark blue jeans. Normal for most girls but not for her. She felt rather uncomfortable especially when the shoes on her feet were not black Converse trainers but yellow flip flops and her hair was pulled back with a clip. She realized during her first days in a town full of beaches that wearing trainers wasn't exactly a good idea to wear in the sand.

When she got down to the lobby, she found Wilber on his mobile. He waved as soon as he saw her and made a face to indicate he didn't want to speak with the person on the other line any longer. “That's great. Yes. It's mint. Yes. I know. I'm not going to... Right. Listen, I've got to go now, yeah?” He stuffed the mobile in his pocket and ran his had through his hair. “I apologize for that. My cousin has been berating me lately about my music but I don't think she cares for it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she never cared about it before. In fact, she always teased me about it but now that it's getting noticed in a way, she thinks differently.” He shook his head looking at her from head to toe and his dimpled smile appeared. “Anyway... you look... different.”

“It's me trying to do something opposite.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's not important.”

“I think it should be important because you look... rather... lovely. Not that you didn't before but...”

She had to laugh. He certainly said things way too easily. He didn't even think twice about it, she can tell. He opened the door for her when they stepped out of the building and opened the car door for her when she sat inside the passenger seat of his rented car. “Are you always this nice to girls you meet on planes?” She asked.

“No. It's just... being a gentleman, is all.” He drove for some time until they crossed a bridge heading to Coronado Island where another beach came into view and in the distance, the country of Mexico. “But you don't believe me do you?” Wilber said sometime later. “I meant it. What I said before.”

In the back of her mind she did wonder. No one else had ever said she was lovely before other than... Other than the time he told her she was... why was she always so insecure about everything? She was supposed to do the opposite right? And though maybe he didn't really mean it – no, that kind of thinking need to be washed away. And so the only thing she can think of to say to him was, “Thank you... Thank you for this and the chocolate and for taking the time to... to just talk to me.” He was probably surprised she said so many things she usually wouldn't but it was good to let that out.

“I need to tell you something, Lauren...” he said, looking at her then back at the road.

“Don't tell me. You're a killer. You're a priest. You're gay. You're married...” She answered for him. She tried to make a joke out of it. I need to tell you something... didn't exactly scream out good news.

He laughed. “You fail. It's none of the above.”

“It's the first time you called me Lauren. This 'something' must be really serious.”

“Not really...” he said, turning to face her again.

“Then if it isn't, does it matter? Can you just tell me later?”

“Of course,” he said, then with a strange look in his face, he asked, “Why would you think I'd be a priest?” He managed to make her laugh again even though she was serious when she speculated all those alternatives of who he really was. “Is this your 'opposite' thing again?” he wondered.

“Sort of,” she said.

“I'm fancying this opposite thing of yours. How do you play it?”

“You don't need to do it because you'd fail it.”

“Why?”

“Because then you'd be like me and you'd be miserable.” That was the truth. He said something comforting after that but she knew what she said was right.

When they got closer to The Fish, she saw his name lighted up by small neon lights outside its billboard sign.

Wilber M. Bell – 1 night only! Sat. Feb. 15

“How does it feel to have your name in neon?” She asked.

“It isn't exactly Glastonbury but it's all right.”

Part 5 Cont...

Like that night in Chicago, he didn't fail with impressing her with his music and his voice, even though it wasn't exactly the kind of music she usually listened to. Everything seemed to flow so smoothly. The crowd inside the club, the way the palm trees swayed in the breeze just outside the patio, the way she could, if she listened carefully, hear the waves crashing. Everything seemed so... what was a word that could describe it. Perfect, maybe? No, nothing in life was perfect especially in her case but it was... nice. After his performance, they walked side by side by the beach. She loved the feel of sand enveloping her bare feet with every step she took. It was slightly chilly now that it was almost midnight but she didn't mind, she liked the feeling of the wind against her face. Before she knew it though, Wilber had put his jacket on her shoulders.

“I think you need it more than me,” he said.

“Why do you have to be so nice,” she said, not really asking him but more speculating to herself.

“Is that a bad thing?” He asked.

She shook her head. Here she was again thinking about what she deserved and what she didn't. “It's just that... you don't need to be.”

“Well, I don't need to be... I want to be.”

She wanted to go on and argue. She wanted to say, once you know me, you'll hate me, once you see the real me. It's not worth it though to say anything. He'll realize it soon. It was just so nice. So nice to be with someone again who could make her feel like she was wanted. “What is it that you wanted to tell me before?” Maybe by asking this, she'd find a way to not like him.

“If I tell you, I don't want you to get the wrong idea...” he replied.

“That you're a priest? That you're secretly married?” She said sarcastically, trying to make a joke.

“No. It's just... it wasn't random when I sat next to you on the plane. I didn't want to do it at first. I didn't want the responsibility of looking out for anyone but I felt guilty after everything that's happened, that I didn't even go to her funeral when I said I would and so...”

She shook her head. “I don't understand. What do you mean?”

“Carmel...” he began.

“Carmel? How do you know Carmel?”

“She's my cousin...”

“Cousin?” She couldn't believe it. Out of all things. So even Carmel didn't believe she could do this on her own. Carmel had to ask someone to look out for her. Everyone must have known then. Her dad, Calvin, Sasha... Why does no one ever believe in her? Was she that useless?

“I told you not to get the wrong idea...” Wilber said, when she started backing away from him, wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

But she wasn't getting the wrong idea. She should have known this whole thing was an act. His niceness, his actions. He was just feeling guilty and Carmel must have told him everything that's happened to her, the ones she wanted to keep private and he was feeling sorry for her. Fulfilling an obligation he didn't want. “I get it now... all this. It because she told you to help me. It's because you feel sorry for me.”

“No, it's not. You don't understand,” he followed her, trying to stop her from walking away from him.

“You don't have to now. You can leave now. You don't have to be so nice to me because she told you. I should have known.”

“You don't understand,” he said again. It was another lie wasn't it? People always lied and people always leave. Even if there was one piece of something she thought could be optimistic, it always left her devastated. “She just told me to keep you company. That's all. Until I leave for my next gig. I'm not here right now because she told me to be here with you. I'm here because I like you. Is that so hard to believe?”

Doing things the opposite way of what she was used to was getting to her. She should have been mad, she should have taken out her mobile and shouted at all of them for not trusting her on her own. If it was months ago she would have found a way to do something about it but again she realized, it was not worth it any more. That old self needed to disappear.

He came up closer to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I'm sorry. I was going to tell you earlier but I realized it didn't matter. I have fun when I'm with you. I like talking to you. I like the way you think... All your talk of darkness and madness and poetry because I'm like you in some ways. Carmel didn't tell me anything else other than you were here to find happiness. I don't know what happened Lauren but I'm here to find something I've been missing too. It's a long story and I can leave at any time but I don't want to. I'm trying so hard not to.”

It's starting to fall again. Her wall was falling away again. She tried not to believe it, she tried not to think about the past where everyone had such pretty words for her but they were always empty in the end. Yet, this was something new and this was something she was missing. This was her in an opposite environment with her feet in the sand and the waves crashing and stars in the sky with a moon that was almost full. And she was still Lauren, still trying hard to be happy and she didn't want to change that. And though she didn't want to believe him, she did. She didn't want to second guess but when he came up closer to her and when his lips touched the corner of her mouth, she turned away.

“I'm sorry,” she said. Why, why did memories of him always appeared in her mind, even after she told him everything. Even after she deleted all her messages from him without replying.

“It's all right,” he replied, looking embarrassed. “I didn't mean to...”

“No, it's me,” she said. "It's me..." But she didn't know how to go on.

PART 6

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?

-Evanescence – “Missing”


-Hollyoaks- (a side story)

The McQueen house as usual, was hectic and noisy and messy. When he and Anita stepped inside the house, he was sure no one noticed them for at least 10 minutes. Theresa, who invited them, was off chatting with different people from one end of the house to another. Mellow music was playing in the stereo and wine was passed around in plastic cups as well as plates of biscuits. He sat himself down on one end of the sofa while Anita made her way to where Theresa was.

In some ways he didn't really want to be in this house. This 'cousin' of Theresa's who was going to be famous one day didn't really interest him especially since a few minutes before, his one time best friend and girl friend had told him what she was finally thinking. She never actually told him so many things at one time and it confused him and he couldn't get her words out of his mind. He tried too hard to forget her, wondering where the girl he used to know went to before the girl he didn't want to know any more appeared. He didn't like the way she treated Anita, he didn't like the way she turned into a manipulative, lying cow... All she ever uttered were lies and he was stupid enough to believe that she was the victim of Anita's bullying when he knew perfectly well Anita was the type of person who wouldn't even hurt a fly. He was too trusting then and too gullible.

When he eventually found out about everything, when she became the most hated person in the whole school, when no one even wanted to sit beside her, he figured she deserved it. She apologized to Anita, she apologized to him but it was not the same. Sometimes he pretended he didn't know her, sometimes when he walked passed her, he pretended to look the other way. She deserved it. He trusted her and all she managed to do was ruin that trust. Sometimes when he did this, he expected her to call out his name but she never did. Sometimes when he was with Anita and Theresa in the school corridors and she passed by, he expected her to look at them with madness in her eyes but that too didn't appear on her face.

In the beginning, when he broke up with her and told her they were better as friends he didn't think it would mean much to her or would hurt her. He thought being friends was enough and Anita being his girlfriend was great as well because he liked Anita. He liked holding her hand and he liked kissing her to make her smile and she smiled a lot and he thought holding her hand in front of his best friend was fine. It was OK. It was back to normal but he was wrong.

He was so wrong.

He was a boy and he was never going to know how it feels like to be a girl witnessing someone you love go to someone else so quickly.

He was a boy.

He was a boy who didn't get it at first but after growing up little by little, he did understand and he wanted to tell her that when she was telling him about her feelings. He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to say I wished I was there to tell you not to be so insecure.

He was a boy though.

He didn't exactly know how to say things like that much less try to convey them into words. He wanted to say, “You're such a strong person, Lauren... You're the reason I started opening up. You're the reason I'm sometimes naughty because it's good to rebel in things you believe in. You're the reason I didn't want to leave this place...” He thought she was strong enough and secure enough to know that. He thought she was the strongest person he knew.

But he was wrong about that too.

As time passed, when things became somewhat pleasant, he, Anita and Theresa would sometimes chat with her at MOBS. She went to a college in town and he would ask about that. He would ask empty things just to hear her talk sometimes although he never tried to call her or text her or do anything a 'friend' would.

“Did you hear about Loz going to a psychiatrist?” Theresa said one day while they were doing revisions at the Roy house.

“Where'd you hear that one?” He asked nonchalantly, making his eyes stay glued to his book.

“Sasha said something about it to our Michaela.”

“There's nothing wrong with that,” Anita said. “Maybe she just needs someone to talk to.”

“Maybe she's just mental. I always knew she was.” Theresa said.

He caught Anita looking at him, probably wondering if he'd say something about the new rumour but he stayed quiet. Did he care? Did he wonder? Should he knock on her door and ask if everything was fine? Maybe he didn't need to. Michaela was probably just starting something so she can write about it in some trashy magazine. And anyway, they weren't really friends any more were they? Even though she did text him to wish him a Happy 17th Birthday, while he never even did that when it was hers. He pretended he had forgotten.

Now, sitting on the sofa inside the McQueen house, he wished he could have said something. Maybe he'll give her a ring tomorrow... because in the meantime, Theresa had interrupted his thoughts by introducing him to her cousin.

“This is Wil,” she said, “The next big thing. You will take me to the NME Awards won't you Wil?” Theresa looked up at Wil with a grin on her face.

He looked up and smiled slightly to a lad who looked nothing like he would expect another McQueen spawn would look like. Wil took his hand and shook it firmly. “Theresa thinks I'm going to make her rich. I think everyone in this family thinks I'm going to make them rich. That's why they're all nice to me and serving wine and all that.” Wil said jokingly, running his hand through his mass of curly messy hair.

Wil didn't say anything else other than that crack about his family. He looked like he didn't want to be there any longer especially when Carmel came up to them, linking her arm around Wil's and walked him over to a corner of the house. “If you don't mind,” said Carmel, looking worried she interrupted their non existent conversation, “I need to borrow my cousin for a little bit.”

He shrugged. He didn't mind one bit. He tried to drown out everything because he was worried. He tried not to be but memories of the afternoon by the jetty with her kept him troubled. He wondered what she must have felt like when he was having a laugh with his friends and she was no where to be seen. He wondered what she must have been feeling when he didn't bother to even text a simple 'how are you?' The past was the past wasn't it? She was never going to hurt anyone again. Why couldn't he just be there for her when he knows if it was the other way around, she would have been there for him until the end. Did he lie after all when he said they'd always get through everything together? But she deserved it didn't she? She didn't deserve to have any friends...

She deserved it, didn't she?

Sighing, he got up and announced to the girls, he needed to get some fresh air. Anita asked if he wanted company but he told her he didn't. He wanted to be alone to have a think but wishing for peace around the McQueen property wasn't asking for much because when he was outside their back yard, he found Wil laying on the grass looking up at the sky. He was about to go back inside, wanting not to interrupt when Wil noticed him.

“Don't mind me mate,” Wil said. “If you want to be out here, you should be out here.”

“Right,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and sitting himself on a bench positioned next to the back door.

Not one of them said anything for ages and he was glad for the silence. He was glad his mind wasn't racing to think about what the right thing to do was even though he desperately wanted to find answers.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Wil asked, suddenly.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Usually people surround themselves with others to feel like they belong but when people want to be alone, it's usually because they want to find an answer about something.” Wil didn't look at him when he said this, he just kept looking up at the dark sky, with his head on his hands. “If you really want to let it out you can tell me. I'm a complete stranger who wouldn't be biased. I can give you a non biased answer. That is, if you want to.”

“It's complicated,” he answered.

“Fair enough,” replied the other.

Yet after a few more silent minutes, he decided to speak. “I had a friend once who always knew what to do. She was always there and for the longest time she felt like my other limb. Someone I couldn't go without. If it wasn't for my friend, I think I would still be... ill,” he sighed. It's strange sometimes how people open up to ones they don't know but keep silent about things to people they do know. Why didn't he tell Frankie or Darren what he was feeling? Maybe he was afraid they'd see through him and figure him out. “The thing is, I thought she would know that but something happened and it ended. I never really thought about it all that much when I realized it was gone but something happened today that I wished could have ended differently even when I think it's too late.”

“Do you feel that limb missing again then, when you didn't before?”

“What?”

“When I was younger I used to think that just because things happen it was too late to change but that's completely wrong. When something is missing you have to find it,” said Wil, who was still laying on the grass. “It's not so complicated when you can just be completely honest with yourself. It's amazing how much honesty can set your mind free.”

“It's not that simple.”

“It is. It really is. Especially when you tell yourself to live like it's the last day of your life.”

Yay! I am so glad you've posted this fic here, I absolutly love it!!!
Can't wait to read more!!

*Mizz Frizz*

really really good
i was worried that you wern't gonna continue
please update soooooon

Yay! I realy like this fic, I don't think I ever commented on C4, sorry about that but it realy is good, please update soon.

This is one of my favourite fics
Lauren is one of my favourite characters
Update soon

This is really good!

Excellent

Thank you very much for reading !

PART 7

Even if I gave you a mountain on a bad day
you don't think you're worth the top of it
And how can I change that when it's in your fundament
you can't take a compliment

Take a risk with me
after a long day
foot's on the table
don't take them down down down
don't take them down

-Peter, Bjorn and John – “Just the Past”


-San Diego, California-

When he was kid he found it pleasing to lie on the grass for most of the day. Most of the kids in the neighbourhood would laugh at him while they played football in the streets but he didn't care because he wasn't allowed to play football anyway. His parents were too afraid to let him play just in case something happened. When his cousins came to visit, they'd always to do something to him just to see what would happen. Michaela was the worst at this. She was two years younger but she wouldn't quit messing with him. Then there was John Paul who didn't exactly want to play with him either even when they were the only male McQueens to exist in a family full of females. John Paul was more interested in playing football with the other boys in the street.

It was Carmel and Tina though who didn't mind laying down with him. Carmel got confused most of the time about what the clouds should look like and wondered why he saw faces while Tina saw characters from books she recently read but eventually after many days of frustration, Carmel too started seeing things up in the sky. Mostly she saw cute things and wondered why the clouds were white instead of pink. “It would be wicked if they were pink. Then they'd taste like candy floss,” she'd say. “Do you think if take a ladder I could reach up and taste one of them?”

“Carmel, you have to be on a plane to reach one of those clouds and they don't taste like candy floss either.” Tina said.

“What do they taste like then?”

Tina shrugged. “Maybe rain or something.”

Unlike his other cousins, Carmel and Tina never made him feel like he was going to fade away any minute. He remembered them the most during those years when his family still lived in Hollyoaks before moving away to a more tranquil village just in case.

He was so caged up back then that all he wanted to do was get away. Getting away meant loads of things. He soon picked up a guitar, found that he played it well enough and found that he didn't have a bad singing voice either. His parents encouraged this because they considered his hobby safe. He particularly liked Bob Dylan, Pete Yorn, Sam Cooke and other artists with something to say. Theresa had caught him once years ago listening to Dylan on his CD player and started laughing. “He sounds like he's having a case of diarrhoea,” she said.

By this time, he spent his free hours on his skate board roaming around Manchester with his guitar strapped to his back performing in coffee shops, wine bars, book stores and other strange places, including birthday parties for grammar school kids who didn't really get his music. He never did care much about his appearance either. He went around town with torn jeans and old rock t-shirts he found in charity shops and with his curly hair all over the place, he reckoned he must have looked like a street kid or a beach bum to others but something about him kept the owners of the stores he performed at wanting more. Maybe it was his personality or it was the way he always saw the positive. After all, every day meant one more day of survival in an otherwise cruel reality.

Somehow, through the melee of going from club to club he got noticed and now he was in America. If it wasn't for music, he'd probably be six feet under with the biggest heart in the world.

When his parents died, Myra had asked if he wanted to live with her and his cousins but he decided to be on his own, living everyday like it was the last day of his life. He made that one of his philosophies until he took his last breath and in more ways than one, he liked going from place to place and just living and doing what he did best. For two years it was just him and his guitar, playing empty clubs or sold out gigs where he opened for more prominent musicians. He liked being on his own for once, he liked not having any responsibilities other than writing songs and playing effectively and showing up on time. He liked not answering to anyone, he liked knowing that if he did take his last breath one day, no one would be there to witness it. That was that last thing he wanted. Sometimes it was lonely. He would be lying if he didn't say it was but he was living by the moment. Like that phrase Kurt Cobain wrote on his suicide note he quoted from Neil Young, it was better to burn out than fade away.

That was his philosophy.

But when he met her on that plane heading for California, burning out didn't seem like such a great philosophy after all.

“I know you want to go out on your own but do this for me. Just this one thing. Just until you leave for your next destination. You said you'd go to Tina's funeral... I was scared he'd come back you know... ”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty? I don't want this responsibility. What if it happens?”

“It hasn't happened in 20 years... It won't happen any time soon.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I know you won't let that happen,” Carmel said. It was hard to hear her because of the music and the noise of the McQueen house.

“Why do you care anyway? She's not exactly your sister in law any more.”

“I promised I'd always be there for her.” Carmel tried to smile even with all kinds of worry on her face. He had to admit that he didn't take Carmel seriously most of the time but whenever she had the worried look on her face, he couldn't help but find her fascinating. At times of seriousness, Carmel was the perfect person to rely on. “She's just trying to find her happiness.”

“Everyone's trying to find that.”

“You're doing the same thing aren't you? Before it...”

“Before it all goes wrong for me?”

“It will be nice that's all. At least make her smile for me... after everything...”

“Is she fit at least?” He joked, trying to make Carmel not look so worried.

“She's beautiful...”

When he sat with her on the plane and started chatting with her like he would with any other person, smiling like he usually did and trying to make them laugh, he found himself enamoured. Maybe that was a strong word but even if it was just some casual conversation in the beginning, for he can tell by the look on her face when he sat next her that she didn't really want him to continue talking to her, he couldn't help but to continue.

“Name's Wilber,” he said then... giving him her hand. “Wil...”

“Lauren,” she answered, looking a bit surprised she responded.

Like lightning, he couldn't stop himself from trying to get to know her. To him, she seemed like some undiscovered music waiting for a big break. Like a blank canvas waiting for the right colours to be painted with. Carmel was right about her being beautiful but her whole entity gave off such loneliness he wanted to do anything to put a smile on her face and see it light up. He expected to feel sorry for her but he didn't feel that even once when he was with her.

Later when they parted ways outside the airport, he wished he could have said something other than trying to be cool and aloof. He had to tell himself that it was better to go before everything became a mess. It took him weeks however to realize he had to do something. What was it that kept him back? He was living wasn't he? He tried to see her during Valentine's Day but that day had many complications and he ended up somewhere he didn't want to be.

“You've got to take better care of yourself, Wilber,” said the doctor, giving him prescription after prescription for tablets he didn't want to take. “Promise you won't be back here ever again,” he said, jokingly even when his face showed concern.

“I promise, Doc. You know me.”

In his hotel room that night, he knew he had to find her. He whispered her name without knowing it, remembering a passage from James Joyce quoted many times before but he found it rather fitting.

I had never spoken to her, except for a few casual words, and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood...

She would never know how incredibly relieved he was when he saw her through the window of the Japanese restaurant. She would never know that it took him forever to find just the right kind of chocolate with the right colours that would suit her personality. She would never know how much he willed himself to get up that morning even when he felt too weak to even walk just so he wouldn't miss her before his next gig.

He didn't exactly know why he had the urge to kiss her later on that night. She looked very hurt when he told her about his promise to Carmel. He didn't know what happened to her but he wished he could erase it. Every compliment he said, he knew, she didn't quite believe. He wanted to know why this was so. What made her so unsure.

“I'm sorry,” she said, when he dropped her off in front of the hostel.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked, still feeling embarrassed and hurt when she turned away from his kiss.

“You shouldn't waste yourself on someone like me.”

“What do you mean?”

She sighed. “Someday, I'll be better with this,” she said. “But I don't want to pretend. You'll hate me one day. Everyone does.”

“How do you know that?”

“I've learned to forgive myself but it's hard sometimes when you lie on your bed and you see every horrible thing you did from the beginning repeat itself inside your brain.”

“Lolo, it doesn't matter...”

“Once you know the real me... once you know...”

“Is this the real you now? Is this the real you talking to me?”

“Of course.”

“Then what's there to hate?”

“Someday you'll know...” She sighed, looking away as he watched her disappear inside the building.

Days later, he was laying down on the green grass by the San Diego coast line, the salty fishy scent of the ocean weaved in and out of his senses. Noises of families having picnics were like familiar music. It was heaven to hear so much life. His one secret wish was to give up everything and walk the entire California coastline and live life as a hippy.

As he closed his eyes, thoughts of Lauren still clouded his mind and though the last time he saw her didn't exactly end the way he wanted, he liked thinking about her. He liked the way she talked. He liked how she was filled with seething sarcasm sometimes but it was all hidden in such a soft spoken voice. He was old enough to see that she tried way too hard to be so bloody tough but he can also see there was something about her that wanted to be accepted. It was the oddest thing really. She intrigued him and he never really felt that way about anyone before. He wanted to know why she was so closed up, wanted to know what this whole “opposite” thing of hers was, wanted to know why she never laughed, the kind of laugh where your sides ache and your face changed to all shades of pink and red.

When he watched her disappear that night, words filled his head. Maybe he should write something. He often found her with her black diary in one hand and a pen on the other waiting for something to come and fill the pages. Sometimes, she bit the end of her pen and sometimes she'd close her eyes and sometimes a slight smile appeared on her lips and she'd write immediately, filling pages. She probably didn't notice he took notice, but she was never without these traits.

He took out a page from his notebook and wrote out something in his minuscule handwriting all written in capital letters. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't dark or heartbreaking. She'd probably find it ridiculous but he was pretty sure it would put a smile on her face even if he wasn't there to see it for himself. He gave the paper to a girl in the front lobby of the hostel and asked if she can deliver it to a Lauren Valentine. The only thing he can hope for was for Lauren to actually read it. Lauren... it was definitely a great name. James Joyce knew his stuff.

“I was thinking I was going to be lost when you told me where you were but it wasn't so hard. Look for the Naval ship, smell the ocean, look for the boats on the dock and look for the 'dude' looking up at the sky....”

The soft spoken voice sounded a bit happier than the last time he heard it. She would never know how much it meant to him that she showed up. She sat down next to his him, he smelled her familiar scent.

“I'm glad you're here,” he said, opening his eyes. He sat up, facing her. She had covered her hair with a scarf but bits of curls still escaped. She was, he noticed, in her “opposite” clothes, wearing a white vest and a black skirt. Certainly, it wasn't hard not to notice her but maybe it was because he really was 'enamoured' but that was still a strong word wasn't it?

“Those lyrics you wrote... it was interesting.”

“I know it was a bit silly...”

“I especially liked the part about my Cinnamon bun coloured skin...”

He had to laugh. He remembered thinking while writing that, that it was a description no one would ever think of. At least it was unique even though he knew it was probably stupid and childish. At least hers was the colour of Cinnamon buns, his was rather pale and milky, although the California sun did help his colouring retain more of a healthier glow. He caught her smile. A real one. But he did not want to tell her he saw it. He'll rather keep it as a good memory.

“Lie down Lolo and tell me what you see up in that sky,” he said, motioning for her to lie on the grass.

She did what he said, he felt her arm brush against his. “Just clouds,” she said. “A vampire, I think. A turtle.”

“Did you ever wonder what the clouds tasted like when you were a kid?”

“I've always thought they tasted like candy floss...” She said sounding like she was reminiscing an old memory.

“I'm heading out tomorrow...” he began.

“Where?”

“San Francisco,” he answered. “It's a long way away from here...”

“I see.”

“Do you want to take a risk and come with me?”

He was ready if she said yes or if she said no. Did it matter to him either way? Of course it did. In one way he fulfilled his obligation to his cousin who was probably the nicest of all his cousins but in another way, he did want her to come. He wanted to know her more. He wanted... He wanted...

Wilber felt her hand close in on his. It felt soft against his own calloused ones, filled with cuts. He can tell she was a bit nervous doing this, he felt her tremble a little. He never knew how much a single gesture can make him 'enamoured' though. Was that still a strong word to describe his feelings for her?

“I'm risking it,” she said, in that soft voice of hers.

I figured I should share some “Lauren” and a bit of “Wil” music here for you.

1- The Killers - The Ballad Of Michael Valentine
2- Santana - Just Feel Better
3- Fall Out Boy - Golden
4-Paramore - Let The Flames Begin
5-The Clash - Train in Vain
6- Green Day - Westbound Sign
7- Evanescence - Missing
8- Peter, Bjorn and John - Just The Past

Great Update!

Realy good update

Brilliant update. I can't get enough of this fic, I love how your so descriptive about everything. I love it!!!

PART 8

Stop before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here,
Rest even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing...
I just sound confused

If I’m gonna lose you
I’ll lose you now for good

-Pete Yorn – “Lose You”


-San Francisco-

The drive up to San Francisco took almost eight long hours coming from the south but driving along the Pacific Coast Highway was amazingly stunning. Green landscape stretched on forever, the ocean glittered deep blue, and as they kept heading north, the temperature started to fall, reminding her that it was still winter. They stopped by cities along the way she only witnessed through films and gossip magazines. There was Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Malibu, Orange County... She took many pictures, ate too many things which didn't agree with her stomach and all of them were in large portions even when it was only a 'small'.

San Francisco came into view when she saw the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance. It was foggy and cold and the colour of the ocean was steel grey. Unlike San Diego, San Francisco was old and dark and full of hilly streets. She wondered how many cars parked along the curb had slipped down to the bottom, if kids had accidents trying to climb the steep sidewalks with their bikes. She wondered what would happen if the car she was in lost its traction, would she slide down to her death while hitting some cable car passing down below?

“Don't worry,” said Wilber suddenly, looking at her while turning the heat on in the rented car. “We're not going to fall to our deaths.”

“How did...” she started to say.

“I know what you're thinking just by looking at your face.”

San Francisco was fascinating because of said hilly streets and its history. Looking through a map and the GPS system attached to the rented car, they located the club where Wilber's next gig was and found the hotel his manager had booked for him. The city was very crowded with tourists and students from the nearby University. They were all dressed in dark colours and all looked very sophisticated. She liked San Francisco immediately from her vantage point even when it was mostly covered with fog. There was certain sadness to it but at the same time a certain freedom to do whatever you wanted as well.

She can only describe it as exciting. She passed by more cable cars and boutiques, streets where people were holding demonstrations about the government complete with someone dressed as Barack Obama and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. People stood on street corners holding signs saying the world was coming to an end, that money was evil and that George Bush was really the devil. It was amazing. It was all sorts of madness and she loved it.

By the time she arrived in one of the oldest Chinatowns in the world, where the gates of the entrance was decorated with an intricate dragon, she felt her mobile vibrating through the pocket of her jeans. She opened it up immediately without bothering to look who it was, figuring it was Wil who told her he'd ring as soon as he was done practising.

“That was quick,” she said, happily. “I thought you would be there all day...” She tried to say more but there was silence on the other line and she knew immediately it wasn't who she thought it was.

“I've been trying to reach you...” said the voice on the other line. She stopped walking and realized what she'd done. This was the one thing she tried to avoid and now she was hearing his voice loud and clear. “Are you going to say something? Where are you? I've tried to ask your family but...”

“It doesn't matter where I am,” she said with her voice slightly trembling and her heart beat quickening. “It really doesn't matter...”

“It does matter,” he replied. “I've looked for you, Lauren. I've waited for you. I want to talk to you.”

“We've already done that didn't we?”

“No, we haven't...” there was a pause on the other line and she wished she could have just closed her mobile and shut him out because if she just kept listening, she'd miss him again and she'd think about all those memories she didn't want to remember and then...

“I miss you...”

Her heart beat even faster when he uttered those words and she felt her face get hot even from the cold weather. She passed by some street musicians playing traditional Chinese instruments while also wearing old fashioned Chinese robes in front of a shop window selling all kinds of jade products. There weren't any benches to speak of so she sat on the cold cement with her back against the brick wall near to were the musicians were. She didn't say anything; she let his words sink in. Why all of a sudden was he saying this now?

“I've left you messages. Did you even listen to them? What's that noise I hear?”

“It's just some street musicians,” she answered.

“Street musicians?” he asked, confused. “Where...”

“It doesn't matter...” she said again, trying not to picture him, trying not to ask about why he was calling, about why he said he missed her when for so many long months he never spoke to her, never even wished her a happy birthday or a Happy Christmas or what not.

“I want to say I'm sorry,” he said, rather sadly. “I've thought about what you said. I'm sorry I've hurt you.”

“No,” she responded. “I was the one who hurt... everyone.”

“I wished I could have told you that you didn't have to worry, that there was no reason to be jealous or that there was no reason to be insecure. It's not too late to tell you that is it? I'm sorry. I thought by not thinking about you or trying to understand I thought it would be better but it isn't. I can't sleep knowing that I wasn't there for you when you've always been there for me. I know about the psychiatrist Lauren... I want to say I'm here now. Can you tell me where you are? Can you forgive me for not understanding? Can we meet somewhere?”

She didn't know what to say. For a moment she forgot where she was and everything around her was spinning. She wished she didn't pick up her mobile. This was not happening. She waited for the words he uttered now, a long time ago. Sometimes she even dreamt it because sometimes dreams were premonitions but that was the past. In the past she longed for this moment. She longed for him to say that he really did love her.

“Do you still doubt everything that's been said to you?” asked Malcolm Harrington MD.

“I doubt everything until I'm assured.”

“Why?”

“Because sometimes they just don't mean it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it's who I am,” she answered, crossing her arms like she usually did when she sat across from him. “And I know what you're going to say. I know you want me to loosen up. You always say that.”

The doctor smiled. “I guess maybe you don't need me any more.”

She closed her eyes and wished for everything to be easy but she told him once that she was anything but simple. Sometimes she wished she didn't doubt but it was too hard not to.

“Let me ask you one thing,” asked Malcolm Harrington MD closing up his leather bound notebook. “When you look in the mirror, what do you see?”

It was their last session before she had to leave for America. She wished she could have opened up to him sooner but she was trying her best. He helped her not hate herself after all or wished herself away to some black hole of nothingness. That was her thinking dramatically. “I see myself. Lauren. Someone I don't hate.”

“Someone who needs to start over?” asked the doctor.

“Maybe,” she answered.

As she sat against the brick wall, listening to the musicians play classic Chinese music for dollar donations to be put inside their instrument cases, she knew it was only logical to tell the person who was the love of her life what was right. He would never know how many times she cried for him or how many times she held her hand to her heart because it hurt when she slept. She felt the same heart getting smaller when she would pass him by the school corridors and he never gave her a second glance and felt it when she heard him laugh when he was with the other girls. She tried not to show this because she knew he was waiting for her to fall, she knew he was waiting for her to show weakness but she did not want him to see her that way. She wanted him to always see her as someone capable of standing up for herself, taking care of herself, someone who was strong. She knows that she wasn't really as strong as he thought her to be but no matter what, he was not about to break her heart again. She wasn't going to lose herself again.

“You can't meet me,” she said, quietly sighing. “I'm not even near...”

“Lauren...,” he said in a more dejected manner, “where are you really?”

But she just couldn't tell him. He didn't need to know where she was because it really didn't matter. He was better off without her because she only made him miserable. She wanted a lot of things she didn't realize she wanted. She wanted to be free really and for long moments of being alone she knew it was time to get rid of everything she was trying to hold on to because she was growing up and she knew it was time to get on with her life.

Move on. Move on. That was why she was here.

“What were you like in school?” She asked Wilber during the long drive to San Francisco.

“Someone you probably wouldn't notice,” Wilbur shrugged. “I was just one of those insignificant people you pass by in the school corridors really.”

“Did you play any sports or join any clubs or anything?”

“Do you count playing your guitar in random street corners for donations a sport?” He asked, slyly.

She shook her head.

“Then no, I didn't do any of that. My parents were wary of me doing anything...” he paused, searching for the right word. “Strenuous.”

“Why?”

He shook his head. “It's a long story,” he answered, shaking the memory off. “Anyway, that isn't really important. What about you? What were you like?”

“Miserable,” she said with a slight smile on her face. “I hated everyone. They were all voids. No one understood except for him and for some reason...”

“Him?” Wilber asked. “Who's 'him?'”

She couldn't believe she just slipped just then. Wilber had a way of making her talk because he was just so damn open to everything but not once when she was in his presence did she ever mention him. “He was...,” what can she say really? “He isn't important now.”

Wilber didn't prod or asked more questions and because he didn't, she found herself talking. She took a deep breath, looked out the window and wondered how she missed the the landscape changing drastically from one place to another. When exactly did the palm trees disappear to make way for the redwood trees? Did it take that long for her to tell him everything? “I wish I could change things,” she said after her undramatic retelling of the past year.

“But you have,” replied Wilber quietly. “You've said your peace and now it's up to you to be happy.”

“Do you hate me after what I've told you?”

“If I hated you Lauren, I would have told you a long time ago.”

And so, she found herself listening to the voice of the person she said wasn't important but she knew in her heart that was a lie. He was still certainly in her heart because in some way, even when he'd broken it several different ways, he was one of the few people who has made her the way she was now and now she was trying to find the person she wants to be without him getting in the way of it because it was ok now. It was all right now even when it was still hard because he really was the love of her life but now it was different.

“I'm somewhere where I can find happiness,” she finally answered him.

“You can't find that here?” he asked. “Is it because of me?”

“No,” she said firmly. “It's because of me.”

“What if I come around and find you...” he said.

“You can never,” she said, sighing. “And I don't want you to.”

“I don't understand,” he said. “You won't even meet me somewhere to talk? Can't we just talk?”

“All I've ever wanted before I left was for you to talk to me like we always did when we were friends but it never happened. Why all of a sudden do you want to now when you know I'm not even there? Is it because I'm not there? Is it because I'm not there for you to ignore or because I'm not there when you pass by and you pretend not to see me? It's not fair you know....” her voice broke. She didn't know why. Around her people were walking past, taking pictures, heading home, little Chinese girls in their school uniforms and pigtails skipped happily to the candy shop chatting in their high and girly American accented voices about what happened during class, while she sat against the brick wall trying her hardest not to let her emotions get to her. “It's not fair that I had to leave for you to notice that I'm...”

“I've noticed. I've noticed for a long time but I've just never acted on it and I'm sorry. A while back someone told me that if something is missing, it was only right to find it.”

“But I'm not the one missing.”

“To me you are. What do you want me to say? What do you need me to say? I've meant it all Lauren. You know I did. Everything I said to you before everything fell apart. I've meant everything I said. There was no reason for you to be insecure because I...”

“Please don't go on,” she said almost desperately. “I'm glad to know you meant it and that you told me. Thank you. I already told you, I'm glad someone like you was able to even love someone like me.”

“That's the other way around.”

“It isn't. It's easy to love someone like you.”

“But you were the first.”

“And I won't be the last.”

“Lauren, where are you?” he asked one more time. “Why don't you want to tell me?” He was giving up. She noted that from his tone of voice. It was better for her sake that he became a memory that was good and beautiful and bad and wonderful all in one. He was lucky. He was the kind of person who can find love easily because he gave it easily. Unlike her who was completely the opposite but though she did not like to admit it, she wanted to be that same kind of person. That was something she needed to learn before she was able to go home.

“I'm just trying to find myself,” she said. “It's so cliché isn't it? That stupid sentence. I want to be a better person and just be me. I don't want to think about the past any more.”

“That's just it, Lauren... We don't have to.”

“Newt?” She closed her eyes and sucked in some air. She realized she had never actually said his name for months now. It felt so familiar coming out of her mouth. Four letters. One syllable. She liked saying his name when it seemed he was the only one who understood. Saying his name felt so real and comforting but was that still the case now? “I have to go, Newt...”

“Is this it then Lauren?”

“Good bye, Newt...”

She closed her mobile and realized her hand trembled again. She wondered if it was trembling the whole time she was sitting on the cold cement or if anyone noticed. It was so hard to end that conversation. She expected to cry like the last conversation they had together but this time she held her tears in check. After all, he already told her they weren't meant to love each other in the way she wanted so if she was going to lose him, there was no other way but to lose him for good this time.

PS
Thanks so much for reading... I've been ill for awhile but now I'm slightly feeling better so hopefully updates will come much sooner.

And here is Part 8's song
Pete Yorn - Lose You

wow that was sooo good i hope that they see each other again

i'm glad that you feel better now

Glad your feeling better!
Great update

This is the greatest update!! Please let them meet up and let Lauren be happy!
Glad your all better now too

Loved it!!!

*Mizz Frizz*

This is amazing! I just read it all from the start and I love it!